Why Tho? Sober hosts feel violated when friends sneak alcohol into birthday party

Dear Lizzy,
My wife and I are both sober and have been for many years. We have a very clear “Please do not bring alcohol into our house” policy, but at a recent daytime birthday party, some friends brought alcoholic drinks “disguised” in other cups. I feel violated by this behavior, which at the time I let slide but the more I think about it the angrier I get. What should I do?
Sober
Dear Sober,
Man, this sucks.
This is just childish, stupid and hurtful behavior.
If they were teenagers sneaking booze into a dance – which is about the level of maturity they are showing here though somehow yours is worse because you are a friend with a personal request and not the school district with a rule – they would be banned from high school dances for the rest of the year, if not suspended from school.
You can’t suspend them but I would say it would be very, very reasonable to never invite them over again.
They are not people who have shown they care about you on any level.
But, you have to ask yourself: How much are these relationships worth? If you want to maintain them, you will need to talk to your friends. I recommend meeting in person so you can hash it out face-to-face. Tell them how their behavior endangered your sobriety and hurt you. Best case? They admit they did something dumb and mean and they ask for your forgiveness and you guys can all move on into a stronger friendship.
Worst case, they aren’t apologetic at all and you know you don’t need to keep working on these friendships.
If these aren’t friendships you care to save, I say, cut them loose. No need to call them and tell them, just don’t invite them over and distance yourself socially. It’s not worth yelling at people over the phone or angrily texting them ever, and it’s especially not worth it when you don’t have a relationship with them that you care about.
Honestly, if these people are unable to spend one daytime party without a drink, it sounds like they might have some unresolved issues that go deeper than just being bad friends. This isn’t about you, it’s about them. But, that doesn’t mean you have to fix them, either.
Good luck!
Lizzy
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